Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder-

Monday, July 31, 2006

These days, I've just been feeling tired. Not really just physically, but... inside.

Anyway, after coming home from church...after lunch, I went to my room to unwind. Reading. Then my hp beeped. Gave me a scare cause I was really into the book. 'Meg' by Steve Alten. No, Meg is not short for Megan or whatever. You think I read romantic stuff? FYI, Meg is short for Megalodon. And what's that you ask?

Jurassic shark. It's an good book. Series actually. Read it one day.

"When you see her glow, it's already too late."

Anyway, back to my hp. I was really happy to see that it was from K. He was at church and as usual he had to leave early, so I missed him. No.....

Darn that little 'briefing' in the store room.

We smsed for while which was sweet. *smiles*

Oh, and for Saturday service. For the last song during worship, I began to feel sick. But I stuck through the playing. So right after coming off stage, I went to the ladies room....and yes, I threw up. Well, luckily for me, I recovered enough to enjoy dinner that night.

There are times that I hate being in the worship team. Yesterday was one of them. But I just kept it in. These people....

I'm thinking of 'retiring' again. Oh, not because of yesterday, but of a much more valid reason. The same reason why I took a break for 6 months.

Hm..

the beauty exposed ;

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Yes, I watched the Pirates of the Carribbean. And in my humble opinion, it was the greatest!

Joshus was an angel to take me to watch it, even though he had already seen it. Ok, he wasn't exactly an angel. I had to wheedle him into it. Hehe..Hey, he was ok with it. He's intitled as my big brother. Whee..

Thoughts running through my head during the last few seconds of the movie - "Who is that guy? Who is he? Omg, that guy! Who is he..wait..he's supposed to be dead! What? Hey! Credits?! No!!!"

Yep, the cliffhanger of all cliffhangers.

Besides, Johnny Depp oozes hotness.

Need I say more?

And of course, Orlando Bloom.

Ahh!

*ahem*

Ok, yes, I stood in front of the HUGE Pirates of the Carribbean poster at Growball...for..uh..five minutes. Hey, I had to wait for Josh. Had nothing better to do..except to stare into Depp's eyes...mm..then switch to Bloom's..and back again...

*Melts into a puddle*

Go figure.

the beauty exposed ;

Friday, July 21, 2006

Another in depth post.

I was lost for the past few days, didn't know where I stood as a person. Seems like without a special friend, I'm empty.

I'm finding where I am and I think I understand now.

You don't need someone to make you feel whole. God is the one that we all should put first in line before anyone else. God is the one that makes us whole. Nothing and nobody should take that place.

So, decision time. I decided a few things. Yes, it was hard. But I stand true and firm, knowing that I've made the right decisions.

Now all I've got to do is to figure out...what to do next.

Performance tomorrow at Yayasan - Main Auditorium. Eh...better get my concentration in check.. Haven't been practicing very well. But I know the piece already quite well. Darn trills.. Last rehearsal is this evening. Hope everything goes fine.

But I think my Pacer Edge friends are coming to Yayasan. Eek! Hehe.. I know Elson bought tickets already. Good ol' Elson.

I've been borderline-sick the past few days. Coughing a lot. Even Patrick noticed last night at Japanese class. ...And I can't remember what the heck we learnt last night.

Well, that's that. I'm not fine yet, but getting there. Still got to overcome a lot of hurt, but I'm letting God do it.

the beauty exposed ;

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

I've been writing a lot. Hehe..

Surreal - adj - characterized by fantastic imagery and incoruous juxtaposotions; "a great concourse of phantasmagoric shadows'--J.C. Powys; "the incongruous imagery in surreal art and literature" 2- resembling a dream; "night invested the lake with a dreamlike quality"; "as irrational and surreal as a dream"

For some reason the word 'Surreal' has been in my mind for some time now. Then I thought of it being a noun - The Surrealist.

Surreal. Surreal. The Surrealist.

( I like words)
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With that being said, I slept like a rock last night. Seriously. It felt as though I was drugged. It was so hard to wake up. Even now as I type, I'm still shaking off the last vistages of sleep. Boy, what a night.

Eh..throat's being funny. Not good.

Ah well...I'm over the indignanty now. So, I'm now my normal nice self, ready to face the world once again.

the beauty exposed ;

Monday, July 17, 2006

To hell with it. So, I'm the immature one, eh? Sure....go on. Act like you're being the bigger person.
And you think I'm the whiny...pining...girl that has nothing to do but to think how miserable life because of you right now.

Well, you're damn wrong.

Because let me tell you something. I am not going to let myself be scorned like that. I don't have you (your friendship) , but I freaking do have my pride.

Who do think you are?...Geez..

And, I'd better not type anything in case innocent little children happen to stumble over this blog...because right now, the thoughts going through my mind are not for the faint at heart.

Edit after an hour: Wow...I'm mad.. You know, I was NOT looking for a boyfriend. Did you really think I was that immature? And desperate? I've got better things to do and finish.

What I was looking for was someone that cared for me as much as I cared for him. As friends. Sure, I liked you, but you can't condemn me for that. I understood that we had to remain friends. See? I'm not as immature and stupid as you think.

Since you were the 'mature' one, then you ought to know that you shouldn't have acted like you wanted something more..like your 'I love you's' and your caring. I do believe that you did, back then.

But if you were the mature person you say you are, you wouldn't have done all that. You would have shown/told me ( and the general public ) that we were friends....nothing more..

You wouldn't have led me on like that.

You played me. You might not have meant to, but you did.

Oh, and your 'list'. If that was meant for me..the 'being a student thing'....that was really cruel.

Wow...the blog of mine has turned into a rant, but I don't care.

the beauty exposed ;

Sunday, July 16, 2006

I sit here in front of the computer, feeling the pinpricks of beginning tears. My throat tightens. I swallow. A tear falls, leaving a wet path and drips off my chin. I touch my wet cheek, remembering the first time I cried for a boy.

I watched the runway fall away, leaving the ground of my first love. In a flash, my mind's eye went through everything that happened. My hand covered my mouth and I choked back a sob. "Why?" I begged. "Why?" But no answer came.

The tears came later, after I was home. Familarity of being back home numbed the pain, but as I lay on my bed, staring up at the silent ceiling, the hurt was overwhelming and the tears freely flowed. I told myself that nothing would ever hurt as bad as this. That was three years ago.

And I was wrong. The hurt that envelopes me now is far greater. Pain stabs again and again, leaving me helpless and weak.

Now, just back from church, I remember tasting the salty tears mixed with the water in the shower I just took. "Why must You torture me? Haven't You done enough to me? Please. I cannot take this anymore!"

I turn away when he comes near because when I see him, I break inside. Echoes of conversations we had in the past float across my mind, piercing the knife deeper within me and reminding me how much I have lost.

Your fault. It's all your fault, my conscience taunts me. Is it? my rational mind wonders. But it cannot be undone. Never.

I will forever regret this. He doesn't deserve me.

I don't deserve another chance.

Tears are dripping of my chin, soaking my shirt. I cannot stop.

the beauty exposed ;

Friday, July 14, 2006

For the last month..I have been starving myself. Literally. But hey, no pain no gain. Which in this case...lost.. Get it? haha

Anyway a month ago, in two weeks...I put on a wee bit...ok more than that. Had to la.. Heh. After that, I told myself, "Ok, that's got to go."

And after a month, I have regained/resumed my proper body ( which is my flat tummy. ). Of which I am proud. Yay..

So ladies out there...don't binge for two weeks. You'll need at least a month to get it off.

And it's no fun to starve yourself.

Peace out.

the beauty exposed ;

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

You say you do, but you act like you don't,
You say yes, but I know you mean no,
You say you're protecting us both, but you're pushing me away,
Why the heck do I care?

It's because I love you.

You've let go, it's so easy for you.
Past is past, but where are you now,
I was sure you were special, different from the rest,
But I realize that you're just like the others.

Call me paranoid, call me insecure,
Go ahead, but keep in mind,
That you too have your own weaknesses,
So don't you dare judge me.

I want to forget, I need to get away,
Maybe it's best that it happened this way,
I try to find the positive, something to gain,
But all I get is the hurt and the pain.

Was it my fault? I think it was,
I pushed him away, I just couldn't trust,
Afraid to be hurt, time and again,
Now I pay the price, have nothing left.

He gave up on me, I was too much,
Suffocating guilt, wave upon wave,
I might as well just go down deep,
I'm drowning, with nothing left to save.

the beauty exposed ;

Monday, July 10, 2006

So Friendster has this thing called 'Testimonials'. So I thought , "Why don't I just make my own 'Testimonial Page'?"

So, you people out there post a testimonial for me.

And in case you don't have a clue what a testimonial is, it's your impression of the person, which in this case - me!

the beauty exposed ;

Thursday, July 06, 2006

So I'm bored right now...so here are some photos.

Me showing my flexibility, while on the handphone. Multitasking, yeh?

My spider. I like my cap.

Don't ask....

Pointe shoes. Hm...my jeans are getting 'thready'.

Oh yeah.....

the beauty exposed ;

Monday, July 03, 2006

I haven't recovered yet. I'm in total emotional devastation.

I should have known. I'm been so naive! Again! Why do these things keep happening to me? It was so obvious and I still let myself go.

And get hurt all over again.

How can it be her? I mean, it's her! It just HAD to be her!

But then again....however unrational it is, it is yet believable.

Will it work out?

....I hope not....

But time will tell.
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I'm never ever going to let myself fall like that...again.

the beauty exposed ;